I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired of constantly being strong for all the people who push me down. My dad tells me to grow up and get a job, because I have to help pay bills when I’m 18. It’s so sad how little you know about someone you call your child. You’re supposed to know me better than anyone and always have my back. But when I go home, I feel like I’m fighting monsters just to be able to sleep at night.
I don’t know who to trust. If you had asked me when I was younger, I would’ve said my mom, because she was such a push over I could get away with anything I wanted and my dad was never really around. He didn’t leave me or anything, he was just so tired of the fighting that he would just not come home. But now he’s actually here fighting back and sometimes his anger slips over to me and I just can’t handle it anymore.
Being in love feels amazing and the fact that you’re actually considering marrying me in the future makes me feel less afraid. You told me before we even considered dating that when you date, you date for keeps, to one day get married and have kids. I wonder when you started to think like that or if you always had that mindset.
Lol, I’m actually starting to run out of drafts to put in my queue. When things are actually going good, I run out of things to post about. It’s kind of weird, yet pleasant. That I’m finally at peace.
I know this is stupid, but I don’t know how confident I feel in our relationship. I feel like crying when you’re with other people. I don’t know how to make it stop. I think that’s what love is, isn’t it? Not being able to stop your feelings. They hurt like shit. But I can’t break down and cry to you every time I feel like shit. Because then you’d make me feel worse. You’d make me feel like I’m just a child and you’re an adult. You can’t just joke around and make everything better. It doesn’t work like that. I guess I just can’t except it as easily as you can. I’m not a fucking second choice. You can’t just talk to me when you want to and half ass it when you want to hangout with someone else.
I get jealous all the time. I feel like crap because of my jealously. I just want you to tell me that you’re jealous. Make me feel special. Make me feel like you’re worried about loosing me. Make me feel like you feel the same way about me that I feel about you. I want to worthy of dating you. But right now, I just feel like some stupid clingy child. I can’t stop crying over you. I want to be confident. But I can’t stop doubting myself. I feel so shitty. I want to be worthy.
I thought this weekend was gonna be so good, but it feels like shit. I only got to see Robert til 10 on Friday and still got yelled at about that. Then we stayed in Houston til almost 3, but I didn’t get to see Robert again. As well as the fact that he basically blew me off on the drive over to talk to anyone that wasn’t me. Then didn’t call me Sunday til he was working. Basically the only time he talked to me this weekend, was when he was working. That feels so crappy. I’m tired of saying it’s okay. When it’s really not. I don’t want you to spend time with anyone else and I know that’s selfish, but I want you all to myself. I probably won’t even get to see you Monday, cause we’ll probably get back late and my dad’ll make you leave at 10. I just want to fucking be with you. Is that so much to ask?
I’m tired of feeling this way. I don’t want to be jealous. Fucking insecurities that leave me feeling alone. I just want to be comfortable, but I just feel fat and ugly and stupid and worthless. I can’t be happy. I hate this thought, but if you left me, I’d probably have to kill myself the pain would be too great. I can’t stand it. I’m on the phone, but all I feel is lonely. Tell me I’m pretty and that I smell good. Stop telling other females that. Why do you tell her that, when you don’t say shit to me. Stop fucking doing that. I want to cry. I feel like shit and there’s nothing I can do about it. I stop myself from eating, because I feel like crap. I feel like a fat worthless piece of shit. Can’t you tell it hurts me. I just wish you would tell me what you tell her. I want you to look at me the way you look at other girls. I don’t want you to see other girls as anything. Don’t you know anything, you’re not supposed to tell the girl that loves you, that she’s not the prettiest girl in the world. You’re supposed to tell her that she’s the most beautiful girl in the world, no matter what society says. You’re supposed to tell her that you think she’s beautiful and that no one else matters. That she’s the only girl you look at. When I told you I love you, I was giving you all of myself and telling you that everything you say I’m gonna take seriously and think about indepthly. Don’t tell me I’m not the prettiest girl in the world, you destroy me and make me feel weak when you say shit like that. I just want to be pretty and strong. Too bad I’m ugly and weak.
I may look innocent right now but I won’t look too innocent sitting on your face
happy halloween. its fucking halloween every day from now until the end of october. happy fucking halloween
“You need to realize that the way you are feeling now will not be permanent”
r.h. (via abilifys)