On the fourth month and things are still going good. A little bumpy because of the whole Brandon situation, but that’s behind us now. His family and friends are starting to get attached to me too. It feels good that one of his niece’s was asking if I’m gonna marry uncle Robert. I know that sounds fast, but everything sounds so right. However, it still does sting when he refers to one particular girlfriend as the only girl he’s really fallen in love with. It’s not like I feel threatened or anything, it just hurts. I mean she’s married with kids and lives far away. It just makes me insecure, cause she’s the first girl he ever feel in love with. She’s had sex with him way more than me. Her parents are basically family. There’s nothing I can do to compete with a first love.
Day of judgement, today in my mind decides a large obstacle for me and Robert, he’s going to talk to Brandon about what we used to be. Basically my relationship is in Brandon’s hands right now.
Is this what love feelings like? All other guys seem nonexistent when I think about you. I don’t want anyone else, as long as I can have you. You’re the only one I want. The only one I need.
Being in love is one of the best feelings in the world. You feel like you’re on top of the world. Like you can do anything. Even fly. But one sided love is one of the worst feelings. They may like you, just not nearly as much as you love them. You want to just pour your heart out and let them completely in, but you’re also aware of the fact that if you do that and they don’t feeling the same way, you might just get your heart broken.
Yesterday was another serious talk with Robert. We talked about the word I’m not allowed to use. But it wasn’t a bad talk. However it was scary. I think I’m really starting to fall for Robert. Even he sees it and that’s what makes me feel like I’m in love.
I try not to think about the age difference, but it kills me to know there are things we can’t do together. Even once I turn 18, we can’t go out on new years. You can’t take me to my prom. We can’t go clubbing. I can’t legally drink with you. This really feels like shit.
I’ve learned from being with you that it’s okay to be sad sometimes. But you have to keep picking yourself up when people push you down. You have to prove to yourself that yeah, maybe the shit they say about me is true, but hey your lowly insults can’t hurt me. I’m better than that.
I ignore the chest pains, because I want to be near you. I want to be with you. I know I’m not allowed to say this, but I think I love you.
The fact that you appreciate that I come with you on long deals and that you’d miss you if i were gone for more than a day, makes me really happy.